Order Only: Private Message to Sally-Anne and Hydra

[alt_hermione]

Sally-Anne, how's everything going with Ginny?

So, Draco's going to be going on this extended mission in New London where he'll be under cover. I won't bore you with details, I mean, I don't think they're secret but you can ask me later if you want, but what he's doing isn't the thing I--

Let me start over.

How do you both cope when Justin and Ron are out in New London? I know it sounds ridiculous, Draco goes down there all the time, but under the cloak, you know, and he stays hidden and he's not trying to trick people so much as avoid being trod on. But this time-- I mean, he thinks he'll be able to come back every night but I'm not so sure, even if the person he's pretending to be lives alone, he'll still need to know what's going on in his neighbourhood when he's supposedly there? And there are loads of other reasons I can imagine he'll have to stay on longer than he anticipates.

And I'm not even all that worried about him impersonating someone. Well, I'm a little worried, only because this person has to be somewhat obsequious and that's...not Draco. But he's doing his homework, I know that, and he has enough experience with subordinates that he knows what's expected of one.

It's...it's more that...I'm still worried about him doing something rash or foolish because he thinks he sees an opportunity, and not having enough backup, and not caring if he makes a bad trade, if that makes sense.

And even if he doesn't--I'm worried I'll--that I won't actually miss him all that much, while he's away. Oh, that's a horrible thing to say, isn't it? But it's sort of true. I mean, lately he's busy and I'm busy and, I don't know, maybe it's just because there are too many distractions. Still, sometimes I almost feel like--like if it weren't for losing Harry--

Well, that's just it. Obviously it takes time, and it's going to be especially hard for the next few weeks, so maybe it's all to the good that he'll be occupied for so much of it. And maybe that will help in the long run, too, and not just for the short term. So it'll be better after that.

Anyway. I figured you two face this sort of possibility all the time, now. It's oddly new for me.

Comments

[alt_sally_anne]

Ginny. Ugh. Things are utterly awful with Ginny. They did something to her that involved cruciating her for hours until she came up with horrible stories about her family and believed them, to make her turn against us, and now she's writing to Mrs Weasley and Bill and the rest of them and saying they did horrible things to her and she hates them.

The good news is I guess they've probably mostly stopped torturing her. So that's good even if the reasons for it are awful.

Oh and I said 'they' but actually it was Antonin Dolohov. Probably. No, honestly. It was definitely Dolohov.

I see the posts to the Weasleys when it's Bill or Mrs Weasley or Charlie or Rachel but NOT the one from Bellatrix. Isn't that weird?

[alt_sally_anne]

Anyway. Coping. Yeah. So, I know exactly what you mean about possibly making a bad trade. Ron's not stupid, though, and he's pretty good at strategy. And so's Draco. Of course, there aren't any guarantees, look at Ginny, no one even thought she was doing something particularly risky. And it's not Ron or Draco who wound up in Buckingham.

I guess the main thing I do is to try not to think about it. There's nothing I can do to protect him and there's nothing I can do that would stop something bad happening, and it's not like I'm going to ask him to quit being an Auror any more than I'm going to quit being a Healer (Trainee). And it's not like -- I mean, I hardly ever worry about my own safety when it's me going out for some reason, you know? If Mrs Longbottom asked me tomorrow to go with someone to chat people up about joining the Order, I'd just go and assume it would all be fine. So some of it is just kind of training yourself to think about your friends' safety the way you think about your own. Maybe.

When they took Ginny I pretty much couldn't stop thinking about it for two days, though.

I think the worst would be if he got captured. That really is worse than dead.

[alt_hermione]

No, it's not about--I mean, I'm not necessarily worried he'll be killed in action or caught or any of those things that might happen in the course of him carrying out his duties.

Well, there are two things about it.

The first is that ever since Harry, since what happened, Draco's been really depressed. I mean, understandably! of course. But I mean sometimes really pessimistic and--and sometimes I think he doesn't care if he dies. So there's that.

And the second is.... sometimes I wonder if I'm staying because I know that if I don't, he'll take that just as hard and it'll be even more likely that he'd throw himself away. But then I wonder if I'm only questioning my relationship with him because of the way he's grieving, and then I feel twice as guilty because it's not his fault he's still so upset (I mean, I am, too, but I didn't have to cast the spell that killed Harry), and I'm being really unfair to question how much I do or don't want to be with him. Do you see? And then I think it's just awkward because we're both pulled in such different directions right now and it won't always be that way, and maybe I should just wait and see what it's really going to be like when things are normal.

But they're never going to be normal, are they? And so am I supposed to stay out of...loyalty? Support? Do I really think either of us needs the harm of upsetting our lives by breaking up? Do I really want to break up or is it just my own malaise?

Oh, I should never have said anything. I'm not going to shake anything up, not now, anyway.

[alt_sally_anne]

Oh. I see.

Hermione, I think Draco's strong enough that if you break up with him, he'll be sad, and probably annoyed at you, but I don't think he'll throw himself in front of the next DE Auror's wand he finds. He'll get over you. He survived losing Harry. He survived killing Harry. He'll survive being dumped.

But you could also just give it some time. I mean Harry died less than two months ago. Of course Draco's still grieving, and you, and all of us.

[alt_sally_anne]

I mean I do kind of know what you mean about not caring enough about staying alive.

I do think you're one of the good things in Draco's life.

But it's not your job to be his girlfriend if you don't want to be.

Do you have fun together still? I mean do you enjoy his company and do you like snogging him and all the rest?

[alt_hermione]

The reason I finally gave in and snogged him was--it just came to me in a flash, I know that sounds silly but honestly, that's how it felt--that I really do care about him more than just as a friend. And yes, I enjoy his company and it's comforting to know how well we know each other. It's not like it was with Tim, where we were attracted and he was interesting and we had some things in common, but we weren't...we just didn't click, not really.

And we were, before. And we do, now, most of the time. But some of the time I'm we're both just so tired and there's always work to do and things to think about. I don't know.

I haven't--I still haven't ever said to him that I love him. I mean, I haven't used the word, precisely. Maybe that means I don't love him as much as he loves me. And maybe that's always the way it is, one person loves harder than the other.

Time. Yes, we still need more time.

Maybe he's not the only one who's already dreading the end of this month and what it will do to us all.

[alt_sally_anne]

Well, about saying 'I love you' to the other person, I didn't say that to Ron until about fifteen minutes before we made vows to each other in front of Pansy and Justin. Because I was afraid he was going to die when he went away to meet Harry, I was afraid he wouldn't come back.

And I think Pansy and George say it to each other all the time, you know? For some people it's easy but for some of us it's really hard.

[alt_sally_anne]

Anyway it sounds like what you really need are some days off together. Are you getting your days off together? You're at least getting days off, right? And you're taking them properly and not spending them recreationally researching the wards or one of the other projects you're not on?

[alt_hermione]

I might do light reading, what about it?

Well, it's not like we can go to Brighton but all right, the next time we have a day off we'll spend it doing something that doesn't have anything to do with the war or the rebuild.

[alt_sally_anne]

If your 'light reading' is American Witches novels, then fine. It's probably even fine if it's books that aren't related in any way to Sleepers or Wards or the war or the rebuild, even if it's four inches thick and written in 1750 by the world-renowned expert of the age on numismatic prismology or whatever.

Anyway, yes, for Merlin's sake take a day off the next time Draco has one and go have a picnic by the lake or go back to your room and snog or something like that.

[alt_sally_anne]

For that matter, you should probably go to bed! (As should I.)

[alt_hermione]

Yes, it's late. All right. Good night, and thanks.