Order Only: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hermione]

Draco let me read what you wrote.

It helped. More than anything else has done, so far, I think.

He'd been listening to records from Sirius's old room and we were starting to be able to look at one another, before he got the note from his mother. And then he locked himself in his room all day. I was going to sit outside and try to get to him, but Mr Snape decided to put a chair in the corridor. Finally I got Kreacher to make roast beef and mash--his favourite, you know--and then he let me in. I put on one of the records (It was called 'Queen' and mostly I chose it because the first song was called 'Keep yourself alive') and we were sitting there listening and not talking. Which is really all we did last night, too, only this time I had a book to read so he wouldn't feel awkward.

And then you wrote to him. And he...well, it helped. And he showed it to me and then.... Remember when we talked? And you said you'd been afraid to let yourself feel because you feared you'd never be able to stop?

Well, he let himself feel. So did I. And it sort of flooded over for a little while. But then we both noticed the record had stopped.

And then he ate loads of pie. And vommed it (which was almost funny but I didn't dare laugh. Mostly I was just happy he tried eating anything).

So.

Thank you. I'm so glad you're in the Order, Hydra. Truly.

I'm so glad to know you.

Comments

[alt_hydra]

Oh, good. I was worried, I worked so long on it, you see.

I knew he must be doing badly. Anyone would be. But I knew it would be very bad for him, because he isn't like you and I, Hermione. Most people aren't. Most people have never been truly alone. And Draco's always had Harry and his parents.

But you're welcome. I'm glad to know you, too, and to have you as a friend.

The image of him listening to muggle music in 12 Grimmauld while shoving pie in his face almost makes me smile. Until I remember he has nowhere else to go.

But, he'll figure out where to go in time. So will you. What do you think you'll do next, Hermione? Or is it too soon to ask?

[alt_hermione]

Well, it was just the right thing.

I'm not sure what either of us will do. He went to see Moddey and Sherwood but neither of those are really a good fit for him, especially not right now. He might eventually grow to like Moddey but I think it would be hard for him not to compare it all the time to what he used to have. I've been to Moddey loads of times. I think I'd like to see Sherwood, it sounds like they might have a different group, and not so many children. Of course, the most useful thing I could do would be go to Moddey and teach Potions with Sirius. Or maybe Mr Snape will take that on, now that he's not able to go on at Hogwarts.

But I'm not sure I can--it's not his fault. I know it's not his fault. I know Professor McGon--I know she was already really hurt, and that she was terribly ill. And that she asked him to do it. But he didn't have to just because she asked him. She could have come with him. We could have helped her.

So I'm not sure I can stand to look at Mr Snape for any length of time right now. It was so hard last night just to get him to go away from Draco's door.

Which means I'll probably never really master Potioneering.

But I can teach, and that would free Mr Snape for more important research. And it would mean Sirius isn't stuck doing it, because I don't think he likes it much. Maybe I can divide my time between Modddey and Grimmauld's library.

I'm not really sure what else I can do, without a wand.

[alt_hydra]

I think you should stop worrying about being useful, and just do what you want for a while. I realise that might go against your very nature, to do something that's not useful, but it might be good for you?

Don't look at Mr Snape until you want to. If you're not ready, you're not ready. But I do think it's too early to rule out Potioneering.

Surely they will prioritise getting you a wand? I know they need them for others, but you're already brilliant at magic. It would be more worthwhile for you to have one, rather than someone just starting out.

[alt_hermione]

I don't know what they'll do about a wand. Jeremy offered the one he captured but--well, it belonged to Mr Nott. Teddy's father, you know, and--no. Just...no.

And I don't know about the rest. I'm taking care of myself, honestly, but mostly I've been more focused on Draco because, well, like you said, he's lost ever so much more. In a way, I've gained something, because now I'm free to do as much magic as I like, wherever I like, whenever I like. And part of me knows that it's worth the price I paid. I mean, a finger isn't much. It hurts but that's just pain.

The other thing about Sherwood is that Terry's there. And Terry.... Things with Terry could get very complicated really quickly if I'm not careful. I know he means well. And for the longest time, he was my only friend, the only person like me, who thought the same things. But now, sometimes, I wonder if he'll ever be a whole person. If what Carrow did to him made him so he can't--he still thinks of himself as lowly, and deep down he still has this notion that I'm the only one who understands because for a long time, I was the only person he had who was like him. Only, I've never been exactly like him. Maybe for a while, I came close. But ultimately, he loves the thought of us together because, I think, he sees it as proper for two mudbloods to be together.

Draco has some funny ideas about me, too, but at least none of them were because he thought of me as his mirror, his idol and his muse all wrapped up together.

[alt_hydra]

They should get you a wand.

I think Draco's gained something, too. He just doesn't know it yet. I mean, I don't know what he's gained, either, but he'll have to figure that out for himself. What he's gained isn't as readily apparent as what you've gained. That's why I said you should do what you want for a while, just to feel what it's like.

It's odd to think that you and my mother are missing the same finger.

I still feel like I don't know Terry very well. He's very polite, but his presence is never...strong. And the ones who seem to know him best, like the twins, have a very protective relationship with him. He might see you as the only person he could have some kind of equal relationship with, but just because you're both muggleborns who've suffered doesn't make you the same.

I've never had the impression that Draco believed the two of you should be together. He thought it was impossible. I do think there was some idealisation there because it's hard not to idealise someone you like who you know you can never be with.

Only now. Well, you could be. Together, I mean. Is he even thinking about that at all, though? Even if he is, it doesn't mean you're interested.

[alt_hermione]

They may not have any to spare, though. I wouldn't want to take a wand away from someone just because I can do more with it.

I think Draco will realise he's gained some kind of freedom, too. He's always had to put on a public face, even when it was what he believed he was meant to do. He's grown up knowing that his parents had high expectations. Now he doesn't have to live up to any of that.

But it makes sense that for a long time, he'll feel like that's more failure than success.

And yes, that's just it about Terry. Just because we're both muggleborn, that doesn't mean we're meant to be together. Or that we have the same thoughts. (Cedric asked me a while ago, how to talk to the muggleborn that his parents use as a nanny, and I had to tell him that he just has to treat her like a person and find out how she wants to be talked to, because I can't just tell him how she feels any more than I could tell him about any stranger.)

No, Draco hoped to keep his feelings completely hidden, forever, because he thought it would be impossible and unfair and that it would put undue pressure on me to return his affections. I guess I showed him when I told him no, right off, didn't I?

I...I don't think that's a good idea. Right now. That's not--I mean. I don't know how I feel now. In some ways, it would be easy to start kissing him and take comfort from each other that way. I think people do that when they're grieving. (I think Sirius and Remus might have done that in Sirius's old room a couple of days ago. But don't tell Draco or he'll probably never want to go in there ever again, ha.)

But right now, I think it's good that we can just be close without being...er, romantic. Because I can't be sure that I'm not just wanting out of need, and feeling out of pity.

I think that makes sense.

[alt_hydra]

I suppose I'm grateful I didn't know Justin was muggleborn when I met him. We'd have been attracted to each other but knowing it was illegal would have made it so much more dramatic and tumultuous. We would've probably done something stupid - more stupid than what we've already done, I mean. As it was, he was just an English boy from France who, for some reason, liked to talk to me.

And Draco, I guess you did show him... except, what did you show him? I suppose you lost me there.

Don't snog him. He hasn't tried, has he? Because, yes, people do that when they're grieving sometimes. It's not necessarily a bad thing, especially when two people are already a couple and have been for a while, but I don't know... I'm worried that you two would never be able to stand on your own again, somehow, if you did that now. Or yes, you might realise later that you were acting out of pity, and when you eventually have to turn him away, it will ruin your friendship.

It's hard for me, too, to not give in to that sort of comfort. On Saturday night, after everything happened, I made Harry stand out in the corridor while I snuck into the Hospital Wing. I thought Justin would be sleeping, but he wasn't. We snogged for a few minutes and it was wonderful, but also awful, because I had to pull myself away and walk away alone. And now the progress we've made on being apart is all for nothing.

[alt_hermione]

I meant that Draco was afraid I'd think I had to return his feelings, because he's pureblood and I would have to take his overture as an order. And I showed him that I clearly didn't think that when I told him right away that I wasn't attracted to him.

And no, he hasn't tried. I think that was the furthest thing from his mind, last night. We...we held each other but it wasn't like that at all. Neither of us made any kind of move like that.

Yes. It's hard to even think about seeing all of you. Any of you. I mean, it's easier to write in the journals than think about being with everyone. Even Draco, at first, we just wrote to each other. And sometimes I think maybe we should just go find some abandoned place together and stay there alone, because no one else could understand, and we'd have to explain and people will expect us to talk about what happened. And I know I would rather just move on. And I think he would, too. But it's hard to do that when so many people are trying to be supportive.

But then, I think, if we started down that road, how much harder would it be to ever let anyone else in. We might only have this twisted, false sort of affection. Love, I guess, but--not the way you and Justin love each other. It would be more...depending on each other, I suppose.

I'm sorry you feel like you and Justin took a step backwards. You must have both been really relieved to see each other, though, and know that you were both all right.

How's Harry? He's been really worried about us, I know. But it also seems like he feels lost. I know he cared about Professor Lestrange and he must feel really odd knowing that Mr Malfoy's going to be killed. I wish I could do more for him but--well, like I said. It's hard to talk to people who can't know how all of this feels.

[alt_hydra]

He might've worried you'd feel obligated on one level, but then on another I think he knows you wouldn't do something (for him) unless you really wanted to.

Yes, I suppose that's what I meant. That you and Draco would get wrapped up in each other out of neediness, and then you'd never be able to heal or really move on.

It's not a complete slide back, with Justin. But it's definitely a bump. I'm not sorry it happened, and I don't think it would have, if we'd not both needed it, but we can't let it pull us back into old patterns.

Harry's trying. It hasn't been easy. Like most people, he hates feeling helpless. He wants to be able to do something.

Is it hard to talk to me? You seem to be doing alright.

[alt_hermione]

It's easier to talk to you through the journals than in person. And it's not easy to talk to Harry just yet.

But it will get easier.

And I'm further along than Draco. But neither of us is ready for a big group.

[alt_hydra]

I understand. And I'll remind the others of that, if I need to.