Order Only: Private Message to Draco and Mr Lupin

[alt_hermione]

Mr Lupin, I saw what you wrote to Mrs Longbottom.

This is one of those times where we're supposed to be happy for people but it's not really all that simple, is it?

I mean, if it makes Terry happy then that's a good thing, I guess. And if it makes the Longbottoms happy then there's no harm in it, surely.

So why do I feel...not happy? I don't know what else to call it. I'm not cross; I'm not upset by it (though...is Sirius a little upset? He seemed a bit, I dunno, false when we were talking about it over breakfast--like he's trying to convince himself that he's happy for them?); anyway, I'm not upset; I'm not jealous or anything like that. (But I wonder if any of the other Moddey children are? I wouldn't be surprised, and I wouldn't blame them if they were.)

I suppose I'm a little puzzled, and a bit...I don't know. I think it's clear that Terry's trying to find a sense of belonging. I mean, that's why he left Moddey for Sherwood, and that's why he's joined the Zulu companies. That's probably why he's doing this, too. And I'm glad that the Longbottoms are so willing to call him one of their own, but I have a feeling that this isn't going to fulfill him any better than anything else.

And I guess that makes me feel really sorry for him. And hate that Carrow did that to him, but that doesn't help, Carrow's dead and the damage was done long before he died, anyway. I guess I just wish Terry didn't need so badly. It makes me wonder if he'll ever really, really be happy, because he keeps looking for his happiness outside of himself.

Comments

[alt_draco]

There's absolutely no harm in it, unless you're, say, another kid at Moddey who's lost their parents. Like Arista and Hector. Why don't the Longbottoms just adopt everyone while they're at it? I honestly could give two knuts for what the Longbottoms do in their personal life, but I imagine that some of the other parentless kids who look up to them as parental figures might feel quite differently.

[alt_hermione]

Yes, that's why I wouldn't blame any of them for feeling left out.

I wonder how Neville and Evelyn feel about it. I mean, I'm sure they consider him mostly family anyway, but anyone would have to have some mixed feelings about it, especially Neville, they're almost the same age. In fact, I think Terry's older. Does that mean that now he's officially Mr Longbottom's heir? (Not that they have anything to inherit, I suppose, but still.) It'd be different, I think, if the Longbottoms did adopt every orphaned child they rescued, but they don't. And certainly not the ones who are old enough to know who their parents were. Not that Terry knew his parents, but--well. I know who my parents were and I wouldn't want to replace them, even though I can't really call them mine anymore.

Sorry. That probably hits a nerve.

[alt_draco]

Well, they probably do feel left out.

We're probably all going to end up orphans, in one way or another. Except maybe people like Sue and Daphs.

And speaking of, I need to break the ice with her soon, I know. How would you feel if I invited her to 12G?

[alt_hermione]

It's a big enough house All right, I suppose.

[alt_draco]

And anyone else who wants to come, really. There's quite a few she hasn't met properly, like you, for starters.

There's a lot about this that is new to her, no doubt, but she's not the sort of person to make an awkward situation more awkward. Quite the opposite, usually.

[alt_lupin]

Well, you know -- Sirius was supposed to be the one to adopt Harry, if he ever lost his parents. That's what a 'godfather' is for, in theory.

So it's making him think about what was denied him. And what's he's lost. But he doesn't want to rain on anyone's picnic, of course.

Anyway, about Terry. It's only been -- two years? Just over two years? So it's not surprising he's still struggling, and still reaching for things that seem straightforward, trying to fill up that well Carrow dug in his soul.

You didn't know Sirius when he was a teenager. I did. Obviously, the damage done was different. His parents were not as relentlessly sadistic as Carrow, and they did love him as more than an object for torture, but then -- being tormented by people who say they love you does its own sort of damage. At least Terry always knew Carrow was his enemy, whereas Sirius...

You can still see that damage -- well, I can, I guess I'm just assuming you can, too. But a great deal got smoothed over, with time. He's still reckless but he doesn't court death just to test his own worth to the universe, for instance.

And part of that's because of the Potters, who took him in after his own family cast him out. They absolutely treated him as a son, though they never -- well, I don't think it would have occurred to any of them. For them to adopt him, magically and legally, make him Sirius Potter instead of Sirius Black. (Probably just as well -- surely it would've kept him out of 12GP after Walburga died.) Possibly that was part of his reaction, too, thinking about what that would have meant, or not meant.

[alt_hermione]

I didn't know Sirius was so close to Harry's grandparents. It does make sense that he'd feel wistful about not being able to adopt Harry back when it would have made a difference. I suppose he has to be thinking about how he's supposed to be more like Harry's father than anyone else but instead Harry had people queuing up to be treated like a parent.

And yes, you're right, of course, that it's probably going to take a long time for Terry to really understand what he wants and how to find it. I hope this helps, I really do.

I guess I just don't understand. The Longbottoms are nice people but I wouldn't want to be adopted by them or anyone.

[alt_lupin]

Sirius viewed Cyrus and Grace as more his parents than Orion and Walburga ever were. He was bereft when Cyrus died. So yes -- they were close.

The hunger for love and acceptance can lead people to dark places, sometimes, but I don't think that'll happen with Terry. I'm a bit more worried that the thirst to prove to himself that he deserves that love and acceptance will drive him to take risks he's too young and inexperienced to properly manage. All any of us can do is to keep telling him that our care is not conditional. And I'm sure he doesn't see it that way. From the inside, it feels like he just wants to be useful, to do the things that are within his power.