I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good: Private Message to Draco (and Harry)

[alt_hermione]

Are you going flying tomorrow with the others?

Only, you didn't last week.

You know, if you tell your parents you're with Harry at Buckingham and he tells Broome and Professor Lestrange he's with you at Kensington or Malfoy Manor, that works for you, as well as for him. And you don't need to sit round yours all the time, then.

It's just that it doesn't have to all be for Harry, you know. You could do some things for yourself, too.

Didn't you enjoy Hydra's party?

Comments

[alt_draco]

I don't know, maybe. Depends on the weather.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I can get out of the house with out a lot of elaborate planning, I think. The party was fine. The cake was nice enough, though it was sort of noisy in there. I had a touch of a headache.

What do you mean, I could do some things for myself?

[alt_hermione]

I mean...it doesn't need to all be about what Harry wants. Or needs.

(This would be easier to talk about if it were really private. I mean, I know Harry said he'd never read things that aren't for him but...I don't want to make either of you cross at each other.)

[alt_draco]

Well, why can't it be? Private, I mean. Except for in the journals, there's no spell binding you to Harry. All he would have to do is change your parchment work to read something like "Hermione Granger is the property of Hermione Granger." Or throw it in the fire or something, if it's added drama we're going for. Though the idea of a clear statement has a certain appeal, too.

[alt_hermione]

Oh.

Well, I don't know. First off, we'd all have to remember to put Harry into any private message that isn't under a lock and he might just forget. And besides, he might get all funny and tell me that I shouldn't stay, that I should go to Moddey or something and pretend I've run away and that's just ridiculous. I mean, I'm not going anywhere, obviously.

But anyway, that's beside the point. We weren't talking about me, we were talking about you.

[alt_draco]

Hermione, who is going to write to you that isn't under one or both of the locks? Aside from Harry, I'm the only one who did, and I'm under both locks now.

But it should be your choice.

Oh, right. Talking about me. I don't know why - weren't you the one who said I was only involved in any of this because of Harry?

[alt_hermione]

I don't know. Someone might do. A teacher, maybe, looking for him, or something like that.

Maybe. I mean, it means a lot. To be free. Really free, I mean, not just sort of free because Harry's too nice to feel comfortable with a slave. But even when Professor McGonagall had charge of me, she was careful not to make me ever think I could be independent, you know, and--well, I don't know. It would be wonderful but...it's also dangerous.

And I did say that but that doesn't mean you can't change it. Just because Harry dragged you into it--and Pansy, I guess--that doesn't mean you can't belong.

[alt_draco]

Yeah. Remember on the day of the First Task, when you called him "Harry" on the journals and he was going to have to cruciate you as punishment? A punishment ordered by my Father, as you might remember. Yeah, it's dangerous alright - but isn't everything, really?

And that's why I wasn't "dragged" into anything. Because I finally got it - nothing's safe. You might think that your family or saying the right things makes you safe but it doesn't. There's been ample proof of that around us for years, but lucky me, with loving parents and lots of galleons and great clothes, I got to be blind to it for a while. Sometimes I miss being blind. No one else misses it but me.

But at least this will give me some kind of free will. So there's that. I reckon it sounds selfish so you don't have to tell me that it does.

So.. are you trying to tell me that I'm not pulling my weight, or something?

[alt_hermione]

I'm telling you that if you're going to spend your time in the Order or with the ISS behaving like it's a terrible burden then we might as well Obliviate you. You were nearly as grumpy as Mr Snape. (And he's always grumpy, even when he's pleased.)

I mean, I understand what you mean, I think. You never had to think about how horrible it is for most people--really think about it, I mean, not just a passing thought.

Draco, are you feeling guilty because you're rich? Or your parents are powerful? Because you don't have to feel that way. And you could help in other ways, if that's what you wanted.

Or....I don't know.

I don't think it's selfish, though, to know and remind yourself that you have choices. It's not always easy to remember that.

[alt_draco]

All you ever do is go on about how brill Mr Snape is, so if you can learn to live with grumpy Mr Snape, maybe you can learn to live with grumpy Mr Draco.

It wouldn't be very rational to feel guilty. I can't help what I was born with any more than you can. But I don't belong because of it. You said so yourself.

It was different when we were, you know, all rallying together and going after Umbridge. It felt good. The rescuing Fawcett part, yeah, but even more than that...knowing that I was doing something that would infuriate the Lord Protector. It felt so good that I forgot about what my parents would think about it.

Flying about and looking for stuff, or reading about what Longbottom's Mum and that Kingsley bloke are getting up to - it doesn't feel the same. It's like my emotions aren't involved enough to make me forget that I'm doing something that goes against my family, or something.

[alt_hermione]

But you're not grumpy, normally. That's the difference.

And people will notice if you're too cross all the time.

I don't think your parents would have minded, our stopping Umbridge. Only that they didn't do it sooner. No one liked her, least of all your father or Professors Lestrange and Dolohov, so they'd probably approve if you and Harry told them it was us. Well. Not that we rescued Fawcett or sent her to Moddey.

And Professor Dolohov...Sally-Anne thinks he knows it was some of us, down in the Department of Mysteries. And he hasn't done anything. I think he approved of us saving Arista Selwyn and her brother.

But planning a revolution can't all be those sorts of things. Sometimes it's normal things. Back before we even had the journals it was years in between messages and that made it sort of exciting.

I think it's the same everywhere, though, isn't it? I mean, if you read other people's journals it's not some major drama every day, it's 'Wish we had lamb tonight' or 'I'm planting parsnips in my garden, Myrna says it's daft to put them between the zinnias but it'll give us something for winter' or 'I've run out of Spell-o-Tape' and honestly, who cares about any of that even if it's your friends saying it?

If it's any consolation, I don't think they expect us to care about what's going on at Aldrich or Sherwood but at least it's there and we can help when they need something like a distraction. Or we can keep our eyes open and help deflect attention even before the Order know anyone's looking in their direction.

Like, with Bill. Now he's working for Mr Mulciber and Mr Mulciber's awful. So maybe we could find out things that would help make his job easier.

[alt_draco]

I agree there are some things we've done that my parents might approve of, but there are also things they would disapprove of. Really disapprove of.

Maybe I'm just not good at doing normal things. Not with anyone but you and Harry and Pansy. And maybe Hydra. Except not really Pansy either, anymore.

I'm good at acting, though, and I guess I haven't been, not really. I can do more acting, no problem.

[alt_hermione]

Well, now you're just being irritating.

The whole point of being in the ISS (and even the Order, for that matter) is not having to act like anything.

I don't want you to act like you're not upset, you prat. I want you to not be upset. Which means figuring out what exactly's upsetting you.

I know everyone's new. You've got to give them a chance and get to know them, and then you'll be all right at doing normal things.

Or if you want to look at it your way, I suppose you should pretend to be having fun and sooner or later, you'll be having fun.

[alt_draco]

You made it sound like it's how I'm acting that's the problem, not how I'm feeling. I don't know what to do about how I'm feeling.

Maybe you're right, maybe it's just a matter of time.

Harry's taken to all the changes like a grindylow to water, at least.

[alt_hermione]

Well. Who was it who said that the Order is mostly made of Gryffindors? Harry's a Gryffindor--I mean, the Hat Sorted him into Gryffindor, really--and so maybe he fits in so well because he's finally with people who are more like him.

[alt_draco]

Yeah, maybe.

[alt_hermione]

You're not jealous, are you?

[alt_draco]

That he gets to fit in with people I don't even necessarily like? Now why would I be jealous of that.

I'm not six anymore.